Holy Aggravated Assault!

Within a week, Dark Knight has grossed over $238,000,000 – the largest seven-day opening ever. Christian Bale, the movie’s star, is clearly a big part of Warner Brothers’ mega-billion-dollar film franchise. With at least two more proposed sequels, the money machine seems infinite.

One would think Warner Brothers, the studio responsible for franchise, would be careful to protect its investment at all costs. How, then, is it possible, within the same week of the movie’s worldwide release, is there an assault charge against the actor by his own mother and sister? Regardless of the allegations, real or imagined, all I can think about is how could this happen to potentially the biggest star in the world? Why wasn’t someone there to stop it (whatever allegedly “it” was) from happening?

Someone like Alfred Pennyworthy (Batman’s butler). In Dark Knight, Alfred’s always there when Bruce Wayne’s in a pickle. By the looks of things, he’s in charge of everything, from darning his socks to simonizing the bat-mobile. And in quieter moments, he’s always there to lend and ear and roll out a few pearls of wisdom. Not bad, for an employee that earns about $150,000 a year.

It’s too early to tell whether or not the London police will formerly charge Bale with assault, but until then, the rumor mills and gossip magazines will continue to have a field-day at his expense. Less than a year ago, Russell Crowe faced similar scrutiny after he picked up a phone and threw it at a hotel clerk’s head. He later tried to apologize publicly, but the damage was done. These are the antics that make a fickle public turn on their matinée idols.

Crowe, alone, has seen his box office gold tarnish in the years following his big hit, Gladiator. Suffice it to say, the showings for 3:10 to Yuma and Cinderella Man were not sold out…and he was not playing a super hero.

Bale is. Frankly, audiences won’t take kindly if they discover the Dark Knight actually smacked or shoved his own mum and sister around – no matter what the circumstances. But if the studios invested in hiring Bale a round-the-clock butler, the incident might never have happened.

It might have started with something like: “Master Bale, may I suggest breathing slowly and counting to ten, sir?” If that didn’t work, the butler could have swiftly removed Bale from the scene. Conflict avoided.

When you think about it, there are lots of other stars and executives who could have done well with a butler like Alfred. Chris Albrecht, the former chief of HBO and the company’s true visionary who gave us such classics as Sex in the City and Sopranos, was summarily ousted after (here comes that word again) “allegedly’ throttling his girlfriend outside the MGM hotel. You could bet the bat cave Alfred would never have allowed that to happen on his watch.

Instead, Time-Warner watched insanity ensue afterwards – the outcome being HBO (as well as television) lost a pioneer.

Think of the revenue record companies lost with public relations debacles of stars like Whitney Houston and Britney Spears. A few Alfreds on staff, and they’d all be sitting pretty.

Back in the ‘50s and ‘60s, publicists were given the responsibility of protecting studio assets, including hiding the homosexuality of stars like Rock Hudson, Montgomery Clift, and Paul Lynde. Okay, the last one was never really an issue. But the point is, they were always on hand to spin whatever public relations disaster could ensue.

But now the public is much wiser to old-fashioned spin tactics, while our appetite for exploitation is insatiable. The only solution on the horizon is to find a way to remove all fodder to exploit. Given obvious temptations like drugs, alcohol, infidelity, bad tempers, as well as diva demands, it’s just not realistic to think stars will ever behave any differently – no matter what’s at sake. The truth is, in the business of fame and fortune, a butler (or more aptly titled “Handler”) isn’t a luxury so much as a necessity.

…Which might explain (in part) the astonishing re-incarnation of fallen star Robert Downey, Jr. Given his past battle with drugs, subsequent rehab, as well as incarceration, it’s more than a small miracle a studio picked him to play the lead in this summer’s blockbuster, Iron Man. Talk about a gamble. This guy is battling more demons than all the Exorcist movies combined.

Perhaps his success can be attributed to his enormous talent and determination…or just maybe there was a grey-haired gentleman dressed in a well-tailored suit standing by his side at all times, whispering in his ear when necessary:

“Master Downey, it wouldn’t be prudent for you do that line of cocaine. Instead, sir, why don’t I draw you a warm bath and make you some hot tea to soothe your nerves?”

“Thanks, Alfred. I don’t know what I would do without you.”