Everybody Wants To Be Italian

Go to any local Blockbuster or video store on the weekend and you’ll find plenty of empty boxes of the latest releases, scooped up by eager film-lovers stocking their weekend couch fare.  As you stroll the new releases, every once in a while you pick up the odd off-studio release with an interesting title and appealing cover. You debate whether or not to take a chance or rent the old standby, knowing that every once in a while you can discover a real find…

Unfortunately, Everybody Wants to Be Italian is not it.  Filled with clichés and stereotypes, the movie plays about Italian as a jar of homestyle Ragu.  

Writer-director Jason Todd Ipson gets off on the wrong foot within the first ten minutes of the movie, as he expects the audience to believe the handsome lead Jack (Jay Jablonski), a lovelorn fishmonger, has spent the past decade trying to win back his ex-girlfriend, despite the fact that she’s already happily married with three children. Nine years is a long time to hold a torch, and either this guy is truly in love or just plain stupid.

Neither seems to apply here, as the story meanders to an Italian singles party where he’s set up by his friends to meet a beautiful Italian woman (Cerina Vincent) from Boston’s North End.  The irony: they’re both not Italian (hence, the title of the movie).

What follows is a nonsensical ninety minutes of a push-pull pseudo-romance between Jablonski and Vincent that is about as appetizing as a bowl of Cheerios and a basket of garlic bread.  

The crime here is both leads are clearly capable of much better material.  Jablonski is charming and charismatic, and clearly capable of more challenging roles.  For her part, Vincent is smart, sexy, and comfortable with the one-liner.  Even the supporting cast, including John Kapelos, John Enos II, and Richard Libertini do what they can to elevate any scene they’re in, but it’s not enough to keep this soggy canolli from sinking fast. 

The sad truth in the title is, yes, everybody does want to be Italian, but if this effort is any indication, not everyone can be.

So if you happen to be wandering your local Blockbuster this weekend, do yourself a favor and pass by this turkey and pick up Moonstruck for a truly satisfying Italian romantic comedy.