Whiteout

After last weekend’s press-free screenings of box office duds All About Steve and Gamer, Warner Brothers decided to hold an advance screening for its upcoming action-thriller, Whiteout, starring Kate Beckinsale — a brave move, considering this turkey is about to be basted by an audience full of critics laughing a quarter way through the movie until the credits roll at the end.

Unfortunately, it didn’t start off that way — instead, rather promising, as the movie opens fifty years earlier as a Russian cargo plane flies over Antarctica (it’s never explained why, of course — perhaps the Russians were lost or looking for a shortcut). The plane is carrying a mysterious chain-locked canister, presumably with plutonium. When a gunfight breaks out between the co-pilot and soldiers in the cargo hold, the plane crashes down in a spectacular visual delight reminiscent of the plane crash scene in 1993′s Alive.

Then the movie cuts to present day, outside a remote research facility at the bottom of the world — the coldest, most isolated landmass on Earth. Six million square miles of ice. Six months of darkness. Worse yet, there’s a storm a brewin’. And it’s called a Whiteout. It’s when winds are so powerful they create a blinding wall of ice where you can’t see six inches in front of your face. Basically, it’s the Perfect Storm with snow and ice…so we know what’s coming.

But first we meet U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko (Beckinsale), the only law enforcement in this unforgiving territory. It is here the audience erupts with its first giggle, as we follow Stetko traversing through the research facility (in the midst of a party, as they all plan to leave before winter sets in) down the crowded corridors and into her room. She disrobes to a bra and panties and gets into a nice hot gratuitous shower scene, unmotivated by anything.

Next we meet “Doc,” played by Tom Skerritt, who manages to elevate the material simply by his presence. He’s so looking forward to heading back home to spend time with his granddaughter when the unthinkable happens – a body has been found in a remote location (how, once again, is never explained). Stetko is sent to investigate. Turns out it’s the mutilated body of a scientist from another research facility. They bring the body back for Doc to check out, when things quickly start unraveling. There’s a killer in their midst, marking the first homicide ever to happen in Antarctic history!

As Stetko continues her investigation and the plot quickly starts unraveling, she’s joined by special agent Robert Pryce (who must’ve caught the last Delta flight to Antarctica), and the two develop an uneasy, distrustful alliance, in part to Stetko’s past, which the audience gets to revisit about a half dozen times in “C.S.I.” flashback style.

See, back on the mainland, Stetko was double-crossed by her partner and ended up having to kill him. Out of flashback, Stetko tells Pryce, “I killed him.” Duh, the audience just watched it happen. Huge laughs from the audience…only to grow exponentially after Stetko has two fingers amputated due to frost bite and now can’t even button up her sweater. Poor thing.

As the movie continues to unfold, it becomes evident it’s all about that Russian cargo plane and its mysterious contents. The body count continues, and it’s up to Stetko to find out who’s responsible before it’s too late.

With four credited screenwriters, one wonders exactly how bad the dialogue must have been before to end up with what’s left on the screen. Whiteout plays like a remedial thriller, with characters breaking into expository explanations with little or no motivation. When Stetko finds and boards the Russian Cargo plane, within a minute, she’s able to piece together the entire crime (“CSI” style), leaving the audience in stitches.

At times, Whiteout is so bad, it’s good. It’s almost as if the producers were shooting for the cheesy tone, including a hackneyed score that feels like it was lifted out of The Towering Inferno.

For her part, Beckinsale better choose her next role more carefully. Unlike Skerritt, who has the ability to rise above material, Beckinsale, at times, falls below it. Part of the reason the audience laughed so much was her unconvincing portrayal of a U.S. Marshall.

Which is not to say, Whiteout doesn’t have some merits worth noting. Visually, director Dominc Sena captures the beauty of the arctic (even though it was shot entirely in Canada), as well as some hair-raising action sequences, particularly when the characters are outside, battling the elements.

What culminates, however, leaves too much to be desired, given the cluttered mess of post-summer leftovers until Oscar season starts rolling out more tasty fare.

Until then, stick Whiteout in your Netflix docket. As a casual viewer at home, the movie, at times, is so deliciously bad, it’s good.